Washinton, DC -- The record cold temperatures and heavy snow in Asia and North America have prompted earth scientists to invent a whole new demand: zero carbon emissions. Citing a new generation of computer models, based on scientific speculation that only a decade ago was considered too outlandish to pull off, scientists now claim that even physical exercise is too dangerous and must be banned.
"The steam that rises from a Starbuck's coffee contains enough greenhouse gases to kill three polar bears and wipe out a village in Sri Lanka," said Dr. Phillip Hensen, a geophysicist with the Godlike Space Studies program at NASA. "We must eliminate all greenhouse gases by July 2008, or we might as well launch every nuclear ballistic missile in all the arsenals in the world."
Soccer moms around the country agree, and in Town and Country, Missouri, they're taking action.
"I put a 'Save the Planet: Park Your Car and Walk' bumpersticker on my Escalade," Melinda Carson told Hennessy's Review. "We use E84 or 85, whatever it is, gasoline because it reduces America's dependence on foreign carbon and saves polar bears."
Earth scientist Patti Goebels, an associate professor at Land o Lakes Community College, applauds efforts like Ms. Carson's. "I mean, anything we can do is great. Of course, we really need Congress to ban all carbon emissions and anything that puts off heat. Otherwise, all the polar bears will die, and even Minnesota will be hot and humid."
Asked about the record cold winter in much of North America and Asia, Hensen said it's just more evidence of the validity of the greenhouse theory.
"You have quadrillions of molecules of greenhouse gases trapped in the atmosphere. Of course, it's going to cause colder winters in the northern hemisphere and colder summers in the southern hemisphere. Have you ever sprayed yourself with a CO2 fire extinguisher? All the models predicted this."
Hensen took the opportunity to attack global warming skeptics. "These people, some of whom claim to be scientists, who say 'this is just a scare tactic to win grant money' are actually all employed by the big oil companies. They get paid to lie about the effects of greenhouse gases by the people who hate polar bears and Sri Lanka."
Democrat candidate for President, Barack Obama, responded quickly to the report. "I will do whatever it takes to save the polar bear. Hillary Clinton could have saved the polar bear when her husband was president. Instead, she slept with strangers in the Lincoln Bedroom for a thousand dollars a night. "
UPDATE: Better global warming satire at CalvinDude.