White House Unveils Unemployment Strategy

WASHINGTON, DC:  The White House unveiled a new strategy to lower the nation’s unemployment rate, currently standing at 10 percent. 

In his weekly radio address Saturday, the President announced that he will use remaining funds from the failed Stimulus bill to take advantage of little known variable in the unemployment rate factor:  “discouraged workers.”

Pointing out that “discouraged” workers are excluded from the unemployment calculation, the President explained that the government will encourage the unemployed to simply give up hopes for finding work. 

“Discouraged workers are those who’ve essentially given up trying to find a job,” the President explained from the Oval Office.  “These people are able-bodied and working age, but they have lost hope of finding a job.” 

“Discourage workers can do more to help our economic statistics than Green Jobs,” Obama explained.  “For every 100,000 unemployed workers who simply give up,” he said, “the unemployment rate drops about one-tenth of one percent.”

“In December, for example, over six hundred thousands patriotic Americans lost hope of ever finding a job. Without their sacrifice, our unemployment rate would stand at 10.4—the highest rate since the Great Depression.”

In the next two weeks, the Labor Department will send millions of brochures entitled “Yes You Can Give Up” to homeless shelters and those receiving unemployment benefits.

 

[satire]

Obama Accepts Reid’s Apology

WASHINGTON, DC -- Saying, “The Senate relies on dingy-skinned white men, especially ones without a cracker dialect,” President Barack Obama accepted Senator Harry Reid’s (D-NV) apology for words Reid used in private in 2008. 

According to the forthcoming book, “Game Changing,” Reid described Obama a “light-skinned” black man “with no Negro dialect . . . unless he wanted to have one” during the 2008 presidential election. 

In his apology, Reid said, “I deeply regret using such a poor choice of words, but it’s mighty white of the President to accept my sincere apology.” 

 

[satire]

The Other Shoe Drops

For months I've been echoing the warnings of Peter Schiff and others:  when China stops buying American debt, we're in deep, deep trouble.  The possibility for hyperflation, prices rise by double-digits on daily or weekly measures, becomes palpably high. Even though this article from IHT failed to suprised me, I have a sick, frightened gnawing in my stomach:

China has bought more than $1 trillion in American debt, but as the global downturn has intensified, Beijing is starting to keep more of its money at home - a shift that could pose some challenges to the U.S. government in the near future but eventually may even produce salutary effects on the world economy.

Thanks to Hank Paulson's Bailoutpalooza followed by Obama's promises to pile on more bailouts and $1 trillion or more in stimuli, the US single-year deficit for 2009 will be between $1.2 trillion and $2.5 trillion.

There are three ways to finance that deficit: tax, print, or borrow.

A tax increase, as we have been told, could push us into a deep depression.  We don't want that.

Printing $2.5 trillion in new cash would lead to hyperinflation.  Unless you want to buy bread for $3,000 a loaf, that's not good.

Borrowing delays the reckoning.

One way or another, we will deal with depression, hyperinflation, or--like Germany in the 1930s--both.  At least in a depression with deflation, cash will save you.  In hyperinflation, it's every man for himself.

Breaking News: Philadelphia Set Voting Record

Philadelphia, PA-- Philadelphia today saw the most votes cast in the city's history as measured by percentage and raw numbers.  Oddly enough, only about 4,000 people actually showed up at polling places to cast votes.

"It was remarkably efficient," said Philly Mayor Nutter (D).  "We managed to break voting records without forcing people to leave work early or find the polling places.  This is a model for the country."

For the numbers, 127 percent of the eligible voters were represented in the final number, and nearly 1,800,000 votes cast. 

The 4,000 voters were exhausted by the time polls closed.  "The early voting helped a lot," said Malcolm Evers, a 22-year-old man who described himself as a "community organizer." 

Evers and his fellow voters cast all 1.8 million votes.  Since they had filled out the ballots well in advance of election day, today's efforts involved only stuffing the ballots into the slot.

Obama Plans to Register Jews

Cleveland, OH -- Citing concern for their safety in an increasingly anti-Semitic USA, Democrat presidential candidate Barack Obama today announced a plan to provide Jews with additional protection. The plan, called "HOPE . . . We'll Protect You," requires urges Jews to register with their local Social Security Administration office.  After filling out a short form, SSA will photograph the citizen and implant a small microchip on the Jew's left arm.  The chip, about the size of a pencil lead, will allow authorities to quickly identify Jews killed or injured should anti-Semitic violence increase.

"Our Zionist friends deserve the best protection our government can provide," said the Illinois Senator.  "But we can't protect them if we don't know where they are.  I think these chips are a wonderful idea, and I can't wait to see how this program gives our Jewish citizens a renewed sense of security.  I mean, their government will be watching them 24/7."

Because some Jews may be reluctant to register, the form will also allow volunteers to provide names, addresses, and telephone numbers of their Jewish family and friends.  The information will be used only to encourage their friends to register -- for their own protection.

MSNBC News pundit Keith Olbermann hailed the program.  "This is the kind of security American Jews have always needed," he said on his nightly program.  "With Obama's government watching them, they won't need to worry about what happens to Israel.   Der Juden will always be welcomed here."

The Anti-Defamation League released a statement in response to Obama's executive order plan:

"While we welcome protection against anti-Semitism, we find Senator Obama's plan unnecessary.   Too . . . fascist."

Next week, Obama plans to announce a similar program to protect conservative bloggers and talk radio hosts.

Hot Stock Tip: Hormel

St. Louis--One company expected to surge amidst the economic chaos about to plague the planet:  Hormel Foods, makers of the famous poverty meat, Spam.

"I like Hormel," Wachovia food analyst Walter Crimsin told Hennessy's View.  "Families that are lucky enough to avoid the soup kitchens will be looking for value in their animal protein purchases.  Spam has been a staple poverty food since before the last Depression, and I think it'll outperform the market in this one."

Spam is a "mystery meat" which has some of the color and approximate texture of meat, but tastes like a pliable sort of goo. 

In related business news, Wall Street analysts project the burgeoning carbon credit industry will collapse as the world faces actual problems.  Industry expert Len Wilson of Bank of America:

"Bill, we all enjoyed playing the carbon credit markets when the economy was booming and no one had any real concerns, unless of course you had a kid in Iraq or somewhere.  Now that we have a real problem, though, investors won't have an appetite for simulated crises like global warming."

Concern over increased rates of obesity are also expected to recede as Americans return to physical occupations and have nothing to eat but Spam and similar potted meats.

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Senate Passes Economic Rescue Plan--Reward Points Galore!

Washington, DC--As economists and taxpayers began to dissect the Economic Rescue bill passed by the U. S. Senate tonight, many experts were surprised to learn that tax payers are in line for trillions of reward points. Reward points are a popular perk used by banks, hotels, airlines, and retailers to encourage consumers to use their services and credit cards.  What legislators failed to realize when authorizing the Secretary of the Treasury to assume billions of dollars of bad debt was that the reward points associated with those loans transfer to the U. S. government.

"If we'd have known this from the outset, my guess is that public support for the resolution would have been overwhelming," said Missouri's junior Senator Claire McCaskill (D-MO).  

House Democrats immediately demanded that the majority of the of the points go to low income families, single mothers, minorities, and, if anything's left over, veterans.

"President Bush wants to give all these points to the wealthiest one percent of Americans just because they pay half the taxes," said New York Congressman Charles Rangell (D-NY).    "Well they got rich because of all the points given to them by the Wall Street fat cats who caused this crisis.  Let's give these points to my people and let them go to Jamaica for a week."

Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson said that he does not plan to personally keep any of the 98,708,289,098,133,289 points and miles that will immediately be transferred to his name if the House passes the bill. "I have plenty of miles with the airlines, and government rules prohibit me from using them, anyway," Paulson told Hennessy's View.

To deal with administrtion of the points and creation of merchandise catalogs and travel packages, the Bush Administration asked Congressional leaders for emergency authorization to create the world's largest rewards management program.

"These points will begin expiring soon, depriving millions of Americans their rightful free gifts and memorable vacations in exciting destinations throughout the world--unless Congress acts immediately and resolutely."

Illinois Senator Barack Obama reportedly phoned the McCain campaign offering to pool his share of the points with McCain's as a gesture of national unity.  "There's an old Kenyan saying," Obama told supporters in Boone's Lick, Missouri,  "'One man's points will get you to Nairobi, but one man's points pooled with another man's points can take you all the way to Washington DC.'"  A campaign spokesman asked to explain Obama's remarks said he had "no idea" what the Senator was talking about.  

The points can be redeemed for select merchandise or travel and cannot be combined with any other discount or offer.  Employees of the federal government, Fannie Mae, Freddie Mac, Lehman Brothers, Washington Mutual, Bear Sterns, and any other defunct bank are ineligible.  Many of the points are subject to travel blackout dates and expiration.  The IRS recommends checking with your tax advisor regarding tax liability incurred by accepting the points.

Majority Leader Harry Reid: "New Orleans is Lost--Bring the Guardsmen Home"

RENO, Nevada--Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV) announced today that the battle against Hurricane Gustav "is lost.  New Orleans is lost.  I demand that President Bush withdraw all National Guardsmen immediately."

Last year, Reid declared the war in Iraq lost, even as the troop surge began to show impressive signs toward ultimate victory.  Today, he made his statement shortly after winds died down in New Orleans, and after the Army Corps of Engineers reported that the levees appeared to hold. 

Reid's comments were immediately echoed by House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-CA). 

"Senator Reid and I share a strong concern for the safety of our troops deployed into this unwinnable situation" in New Orleans, she said.  "The only thing to do is to withdraw immediately and let the people of Louisiana settle their differences with the weather on their own."

The White House immediately fired back with a statement read by Press Secretary Dana Perino read this statement in response to Senator Reid:

"The White House is disappointed that Senator Reid would want to cut and run from Gustav recovery.  The Senator apparently wants to leave the residents of New Orleans, Louisiana, Mississippi, Alabama, and Texas out to dry.  While disappointed, the President is not surprised by Senator Reid's desire to surrender in the face of victory.  He also wanted to surrender Iraq to Al Qaeda in 2007, and continues to believe that the world would be better off with Osama bin Ladin in charge of the Middle East."

Reid was in Reno, NV, for a family Labor Day party where he hopes to talk his grandson, Ricky, out of learning to ride a two-wheeler.  "It's just

dangerous and too hard to learn," Reid said of bicycle riding.

Record Cold Winter Requires Even Scarier, More Draconian Response

Washinton, DC -- The record cold temperatures and heavy snow in Asia and North America have prompted earth scientists to invent a whole new demand:  zero carbon emissions.  Citing a new generation of computer models, based on scientific speculation that only a decade ago was considered too outlandish to pull off, scientists now claim that even physical exercise is too dangerous and must be banned.

"The steam that rises from a Starbuck's coffee contains enough greenhouse gases to kill three polar bears and wipe out a village in Sri Lanka," said Dr.  Phillip Hensen, a geophysicist with the Godlike Space Studies program at NASA.  "We must eliminate all greenhouse gases by July 2008, or we might as well launch every nuclear ballistic missile in all the arsenals in the world."

Soccer moms around the country agree, and in Town and Country, Missouri, they're taking action.

"I put a 'Save the Planet: Park Your Car and Walk' bumpersticker on my Escalade," Melinda Carson told Hennessy's Review.  "We use E84 or 85, whatever it is, gasoline because it reduces America's dependence on foreign carbon and saves polar bears."

Earth scientist Patti Goebels, an associate professor at Land o Lakes Community College, applauds efforts like Ms. Carson's.  "I mean, anything we can do is great.  Of course, we really need Congress to ban all carbon emissions and anything that puts off heat.  Otherwise, all the polar bears will die, and even Minnesota will be hot and humid."

Asked about the record cold winter in much of North America and Asia, Hensen said it's just more evidence of the validity of the greenhouse theory.

"You have quadrillions of molecules of greenhouse gases trapped in the atmosphere.  Of course, it's going to cause colder winters in the northern hemisphere and colder summers in the southern hemisphere.  Have you ever sprayed yourself with a CO2 fire extinguisher?  All the models predicted this."

Hensen took the opportunity to attack global warming skeptics.  "These people, some of whom claim to be scientists, who say 'this is just a scare tactic to win grant money' are actually all employed by the big oil companies.  They get paid to lie about the effects of greenhouse gases by the people who hate polar bears and Sri Lanka."

Democrat candidate for President, Barack Obama, responded quickly to the report.  "I will do whatever it takes to save the polar bear.   Hillary Clinton could have saved the polar bear when her husband was president.  Instead, she slept with strangers in the Lincoln Bedroom for a thousand dollars a night. "

 UPDATE:  Better global warming satire at CalvinDude.

Dole: "McCain Can Win Even More States Than I Did"

Former Sentator and Republican nominee for President, Bob Dole, came to John McCain's defense, today.  Taking umbrage at anti-McCain rhetoric from conservatives like Rush Limbaugh, Dole struck back, declaring McCain a superior candidate.  Here is the text of Dole's message:

When Bob Dole ran for president, Bob Dole lost to an unpopular, scandal-ridden Democrat who had just lost both houses of Congress in an off-year Republican landslide.

Listen to Bob Dole:   Bob Dole was an establishment Republican.  He was a war hero.  He was a populist.  Bob Dole strong-armed Ronald Reagan into signing a tax increase only a year after Reagan pioneered a tax cut that save America's economy.

Bob Dole carried nineteen states--that's almost half of them.  Bob Dole ran on Democrat Party principles against a sitting Democrat president.  Bob Dole received nearly 41 percent of the of popular vote!

And Bob Dole is here to tell you that John McCain can do even better.

John McCain sponsored the greatest restriction in free speech since Vladimir Lenin created the re-education camps.  John McCain supports amnesty for illegals.  John McCain opposes all tax cuts and spending restraints.  John McCain is friends with Ted Kennedy.

America has too many choices.  The last thing we need is to choose between a real conservative and left-wing nut job from the Democrat party.  Bob Dole says the GOP should offer the American people a part-time conservative, liberal Republican, an establishment Republican in the mold of Nelson Rockefeller, John Dewey, and Gerald R. Ford.

Bob Dole says 'Vote for McCain.'  Then we can sling mud at a Democrat president for the next four years, the way we like it.

For more, read  Protein Wisdom.

Britney Spears to Appear in New Bin Laden Video

r2816338787.jpgNorthern Pakistan--al Qaeda Entertainment, a division of al Qaeda-at-large, announced today that the next Osama bin Laden video will feature American pop star Britney Spears. al Qaeda hopes that Spears' presence will help increase viewership in the 15-24 demographic, a prime target for terrorist recruitment.  Melinda Roikers, Ms. Spears' publicist, said the OBL video could mitigate some of the damage to Britney's career and reputation as a result of her public drunkeness, her radical haircut, her feud with osama_2007_transcript2_main.jpgher mother, and her recent appearance on the Video Music Awards. 

The video, which should be available on terrorist websites this week, is expected to detail bin Laden's plans for restoring the Middle East to 12th century technology and killing millions of civilians in North America. 

Ted Kennedy to Patraeus: Fight Like a Man

Washington -- Massechusetts Senator Ted Kennedy, today, challenged General David Petraeus, commander of forces in Iraq, to a fist fight in the rotunda of the Capitol over their disagreements on the effectiveness of surge. "If General 'Betray Us' were half the man he acts like in front of the cameras, he'd come out here and fight like one," shouted an angry and apparently intoxicated Kennedy during an impromptu press conference near the Declaration of Independence display. 

"My mother , God rest her soul, could have kicked his ass right up to the day she died.  And that goes for the rest of my family, too."

General Petraeus refused to comment on Kennedy's challenge, but his office released this statement a short time ago:

General Petraeus has the deepest respect for Senator Kennedy.  The General will directly address the Senator's military concerns during Tuesday's Senate hearings.   General Petraeus, however, does not engage in fist fights with Senators or anyone else.

Kennedy also challenged a FoxNews reporter who asked the Senator how much he'd to drink.